Interesting

 To whom?  What is so interesting about the musings of my mind – the reaching out by reaching into, me?  And why would I want to go deeper when I am on a journey, successful only if, I am shed along the way? 

Musing, no, inflicting, infecting the near with my-self. 

What did I learn, again,  this week.  To do.  Do.  To do, is to be, doing.  Present I am if I am to do?  So how to do without - me?  The awareness of me; the filtering through me, this must end to begin the rest of the journey – the journey of doing, and doing without doing of, about or for me…an others-oriented existence?  Naturally, yes, but only naturally, rather, not as an objective construed of by me.

I cannot think or write now.  I am disrupted, disturbed, distracted.  I am.  But if not ME then I need not contemplate but rather, do…can I just…do?  I need energy to off-the-me, to consciously allow the act of doing to become my manner, I need energy, that requires rest, hydration, food or less food, and less mess, less stuff, less, less - less, is more enabling…more able, more ready and willing.  No obstacles in my way…it’s gonna be a?

LP 12/13/09

December 6, 2009

It doesn’t seem right to write about the something that lingers, the something examined yet still unknown, something that looms and pervades the each of everyday constant still it stays.  To write about this right to speak, to seek to think to reveal the all of something there, something there that will not fade instead it surfaces with time invades the sense of now it seeks a face and finds more space in here and now this present place.  Yet not yet it isn’t right to write it out; to ride it out to pull it free from where it comes, that something there will soon it come - not slow, not fast but soon – at last.

LP 12/6/2009

Starting Over 11/23/09, 11:21pm

Seems like talking to the outside while trapped inside, visible but invisible.  People around, seeing, but not knowing, not realizing what is inside.  I read about the man trapped in his body, aren’t we all, for 23 years, hearing everything, within his hearing, like many, but unable to communicate and unable to participate and aware and present, mistaken as unaware, aren’t we too?  Bottled up and unable to reach anyone respondent, inside and left to make other efforts for living without a voice, not even a voice of decided silence, though it may have been, at anytime, it was never made known so it was not considered, not accounted.  What may there have been to say so many moments and days and weeks and years.  I am hungry, what is wrong with me?  Unasked, unanswered, the answers manifest in experiences whether documented or marked by comment.  Time marches on in a tick toc parade no matter what he or we or anyone says or does.  Time elapsed.  Another day completed.  Passed, done, like a to-do and for what, to make another or to reach a made goal or an object of desire.  A purposeful passing of days.  What value in living if living is passing, existing, though each day in passing can be preparation, maturation for the next to come, and therefore specifically significant and lasting in value.  New mercies, everyday.  God said so….and it’s true.

11.12.09 People don’t change; but are changed with the asking

Everyone has a thorn.  That stuck in, raw, ever-feeling spot that cannot toughen up.  That thorn, the slightest move, a painful zing that stops every move, every thought, every hope, in a mere instant.  Recovery from the intensity of sudden pain is slow, and the pain lingers and like sun at your back it casts a shadow for every step and is immoveable.

Right thinking is the only way back, and back fast.  What is really going on here?  Is all lost, are you different from who you were before the thorn was bumped or bashed?  Can you say, I am me.  I am just seized by pain; hurt, Fear, Fear of what the thorn represents to a fragile nature.  Not strong enough to recover, to go on with the thorn in place, but with no real alternative you discover you can go on with it, but it is no victory for you to do so, the victory goes to the thorn.  But the thorn is only a tool; something for twisting or for testing attitude; character.  The thorn stays.  It will not change and the condition will not, apparently, change.  But mustn’t something change?  How can you live a joy filled life in the constant knowledge that the thorn is there and renders you vulnerable to devastation without notice or at least without control to escape its awful consequences; consequences of character. 

Your response, your pain response, can you change your character by changing your response?  Can you change your response to intense, immense, instant and invasive pain?  Can you change your instant response to something so unyielding?  What can you do rendered so lost?  what can you do?  CRY OUT!  Cry out, in pain, cry out!  It is the most natural of all responses to pain…ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, hear me, I need your help.  Love me, heal me, take me out of this despair. 

What can take away this pain, nothing but the blood of Jesus.  What has washed away each stain, nothing but the blood of Jesus!  He alone can take this pain.  How?  Cry out and ask him to rescue you and to help you and know that He will.  He always will.

Dear Lord,

Please help me.  I may not change, I may not lose my thorn but I know that you alone can heal me right now.   I am praying for a new day, this day, to believe your promise of deliverance.  You alone are worthy and you alone can change, me.

This Day, another new day and this prayer:  Dear Lord, please bless my thorn and help my thorn to have a heart after your own heart.  Help me to be more and more in your likeness.  Please strengthen me to continue to ask you for your strength in our lives.  Please help me to not tear down my own with my own hands.  Please protect us from our own weaknesses and fill our hearts with love for one another other and with forgiveness through your never-failing strong hands.  In your timing Lord, please help me to be strong and resilient.  Please help me to please you Lord.  Amen.

Renew in me a steadfast spirit, Friday, 11/6/08

People you dare share with even scoff at the idea of spiritual oppression and attack.  That is okay.  Diminished, out of control yet still believing more than ever that God is absolutely in control.  If I am without what I believe I need and definitely what I pursue and I am met with the opposite of what I hoped for and yet I know that God controls all and is using circumstances in my life to do a new thing in me, then I must also know that God is at least allowing hearts to go unresponsive, unyielding and unmoved then I need to wait in the absolute trust that God is working His plans for changing me through my circumstances I am unable to change, or maybe the others I want to change.  God tells us He wants peace and joy in our lives today and the struggle against the flesh need not render us desperately seeking and useless.  Peace and joy.  Trusting God, not putting trust in anyone or anything else, not placing a life, mine or yours into another’s hands but into only God’s hands. Believing by waiting on the Lord, willing His perfect timing, remaking our Hearts, Hands and Feet into His image, refining us by Fire.  The Fire that goes before us to make our way before us.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Tired, but not from running.  Tired though, definitely in need of rest.  That will come with pillow and bed, thank the Lord for supplying just exactly what I most need now.  Like manna, never more than just right, good enough is good for me, no waste to store, all God supplies makes free.  Safe in his care and worry free, I love my God who cares for me.

Another Day, Tuesday, 11/3

How quickly in the midst of plenty and proven blessing and pertinence do I slip into that place that leaves me weak and oppressed.  That go-to-thing in my heart that I give the power to disable me when it will not provide me with what I bring myself to believe I require in order to achieve peace and experience the joy found in liberation.  But this bondage is not liberation and the power it has to break me is in direct proportion to the power I give it which is in proportion to my idea of need.  I wish for more, for freedom, for peace in all ways, all days.  Tomorrow is Wednesday.  I will run, and run and run.  I need to run. I choose to feel myself weaken and strain, to perservere and find completion and brand new strength that I will feel today and apply to tomorrow.   Tomorrow is a new day and one for proceeding on the path that God puts under my feet.  I am making my plans, God lays out the path.  Until tomorrow, another day, this day.

This Day, Monday, 11/2

So tired to the place where it is simply about staying on task not about what is using my attention.  There are emails to write and phone calls to make, the to do today list is becoming more refined and focused, though longer not shorter. 

Last night I found the hosts I believe I should link to in Ethiopia when I go there to become a being in the actual environment.  I am going, tonight, to Cross Country Coach to present idea, Running to Ethiopia, to see if she will train a student relay team!  Students could use hours donated in event or awareness participation for their community service hours, likely at least. 

Getting to Ethiopia following the Big Sur and visiting the training camp in Ethiopia in my version of peak marathon shape makes sense to me, this day.  Additionally, the journalism or law internship will allow me to develop relationships and skills to forge effective connections to make lasting differences in the lives of others and our own. 

 We will train, raise sponsorship, get the shoes to deliver, go to learn of needs first hand and bring the information back!  Will do the work that is presented while there, want to combine the internship with the teaching position, send me to help these children with the language skills they will need, to stay in school, and to be competitive in the job market.  Figure out what kind of nutritional needs that we can address in our runners here and there.  Use this product to raise the funds starting now.  Need to talk to the school about producing and selling these items. 

Will continue to research the product.

Very exciting.

What can I do now though, okay, to the email.  Will report back soon.

Another Day, this day, Sunday – no ordinary day

I find that I am still so distracted by what I am unable to fix or build that I am pulled away from the simple truth so eloquently confirmed today, that I of course, am not at all to feel the burden of my lack, but rather, I am to embrace the joy and the peace that comes in the knowing that Christ alone finished the work at the Cross.  It is finished.  Christ’s words to any hearing ear, any listening believing ear.  The truth does set us free, free to live for him.  Proclaiming what He has done until His return.  So, I am not the one making the way between anything at all, rather, I am working on what he has before me this day, and the next day and the next day, one day at a time.  Be anxious in nothing but in everything give thanks (scripture).  Let tomorrow worry about itself as today has enough of its own.  (scripture).  Be still and KNOW that I am God (scripture).  God KNOWS me, I am to be still to KNOW that He is God.  Not what I can teach but what I am to KNOW, in my heart.  GIVE: thanks, thanksgiving offerings (to GOD).  “This is the day that the LORD has made, let us REJOICE and be glad IN it. (more scripture).  GO.  Children go where I send thee, how shall I send the…I’m gonna send thee, one – by – one… (song!)  One day, one voice, one God, one purpose.  If no know, give thanks, Kick the dust off and move on…

….willing heart, opportunities in me for the work He would have me do….

I matters to this one.

one.  One meal one mouth.  Get them into the healing waters of truth…the way has been made by our living and true God. One. One, one Christ Risen for me, one me, one you, one more, one at a time.  Day by day.

One; look to the cross to see what He’s done.

Hoping for more than a miracle

Psalms 51

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew  a steadfast spirit within

me.

Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your

salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to

sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your

ways,

and sinners will turn back to you.

Save me from bloodguilt, O god,

the God who saves me,

and my tongue will sing of your

righteousness.

I do know I need saving.  I am so at the end of me.  What I do, albeit inspired, “brilliant even”, well to me, it ends in nothing.  I am so overwrought with want for what I believe is good, could be good, should be good that I go crazy in the pain and agonizing frustration in the withholding and utter lack of power to change, anything.  So I do what God himself requires, I call out to him.  I am sorry for the horrible lack of faith I show when my demanding need is unmet with what I belive it requires, should have, could have.  Now I tear down what is here with my demands for what I think should be and a uproot any growth before it is out and able to bear fruit.  How very sad that is and how very clear the buttons that are pushed over and over and over to devastation and despair.  Every time.  I fall every time, or so it seems.  Faith is tested in those relentless times of warfare, the arrows come at every opportunity.  The slightest emptiness, demand or doubt and boom button presses hard and without release.  RELease if only I could obey that long ago word into my heart, the vision of a four-sided box made from cubed cupped hands, two hands coming together to form a perfect cube, representing four, ‘release…” and the hands parted and lifted on high and a beautiful white bird was released.  The spirit, free and ascending between raised and parted hands, above, high above.

I know what is I was encouraged to release, the voice included the word and I pondered.  Let go of that, but how could that be Godly, and yet I knew that voice so strong, sure, gentle and true.  release the…I am struggling even now, yet now I know it means.  Release does not include disobedience to the Lord clear instruction and that is unwavering, so there really is not reason for any confusion what soever.  This I know now.  At the same time, the Lord wants nothing to come between Him and His Bride.  He wants me to live in His truth, God says that He is sufficient.  Take up the Cross and follow him wherever HE leads!  It is okay to be alone, because God is with me, aways.  God does not want me isolated and closed off, he will provide as he promises.  I am still struggling even though I have experienced proof that I am helpless to make this thing what it can and should be, I still struggle and God has only said, release, with Release comes freedom, peace and the opportunity for joy.  No pleasing, no expectation.  God, Grant in me a willing spirit….

This Day. 10/31/09